In which your intrepid writer writes s**t and a** a lot but without the asterisks — If you prefer a bleeped version go to my web site, www.noshit.com. Surely you know about Squatty Potty®. If not, shame on you. It’s a contraption that’s supposed to make your shit slide forth like cream cheese from that little foil wrapper. Even I…

I never asked for this — “If a lion could speak we would not understand him.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein We were all wearing masks back then so I guess that’s why I didn’t recognize her. “Carl! What’s up?” I turn around and must have scrunched up my face in questioning, because she goes on with, “What, don’t…

I even like gefilte fish — I love Passover. I’d invite all of you to my place for one of our two — count ’em, two! — Seders, but even with our monster table that would be tight. Besides, I have to clear everyone I do invite with my wife, her being the Jew of this…

Wait ‘til you see what doesn’t happen! — Unlike some of the other people attending, BOF is an old hand at camp. He was a Boy Scout as a young lad and has the merit badges and the bullies to prove it. But he promises he won’t catch any snakes and bring them around for everyone to admire…

I need my Mahler fix so don’t stand your phone in my way — OK. I get it. You’re a millennial, like my daughter, and a millennial’s idea of a concert memento is not some dog-eared concert brochure forgotten among rolled-up socks but a forgettable little video to post on Insta, TikTok, PicFlip, ShitPost, or whatever the thing is now. I’d look at you…

The answer is blowin’ in the wind — Not long ago Carol Lennox reawakened my brain to a curious claim, one I had not thought of in decades. Women don’t fart. I’ll have to scroll pretty far down my Medium notifications to find her response. Sorry, can’t find it now. …

Fuck Orff, Carl, you old pervert — You think you are such an ace choir singer. What’s this? Carmina Burana? It’s in Latin? What’s the problem? You’ve sung a million settings of the Latin mass. Gratias agimus tibi propter magnam gloriam tuam and all that. You could sing it in your sleep. …

Nobody got the clap — What better way on Medium to show love than with the mighty 50-clap! Now here was Valentine’s Day around the corner and none of us could get the clap! How would we know we were loved? How else would we spread the love than by spreading the clap? Everyone on…

Through a glass darkly — All of that was before the Phase Change. Now, according to the Now Christians, we see face to face, whereas before, we saw through a glass darkly. I don’t know what they mean by that. Nothing is face to face now. Every interaction is as across a great chasm, yet…