Of death and descants — My church choir director not only knows every single piece of choir music ever written, she also knows every one of the 47,000 descants for each of the 615 hymns in the 1982 Episcopal hymnal. If she doesn’t think any of the 28,905,000 available descants sufficiently impressive she writes a…

Make music with people and soon you love them — “OK let’s shake five!” We stand in a circle. Onetwothreefourfive! onetwothreefourfive! onetwothreefourfive! onetwothreefourfive! Onetwothreefour! onetwothreefour! onetwothreefour! onetwothreefour! Onetwothree! onetwothree! onetwothree! onetwothree! Onetwo! onetwo! onetwo! onetwo! One!one!one!one!wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-one… As we chant, we shake our right hands in the air five times, then our lefts five times, then lift our right feet and…

Give me a condor’s quill — In a fit of madness, I signed up to be a MuddyUm editor. Surprise! It was fun! My stats soared, and writers seemed to appreciate my efforts. I knew nothing about the impending shipwreck of my blissful state upon the rocky reefs of ambition. Susan Brearley is an ambitious woman…

Vindicated by Erasmus — Were I Californian I’d be right in step with one of the latest dietary trends. Unfortunately I live in Rhode Island, a nice normal state where everyone not only hates kale but loves to hate it. I eat it and I like it. Like is not the same as love…

A sunbeam? Does it have to be a sunbeam? — A sunbeam, a sunbeam Jesus wants me for a su-u-u-unbeam! A sunbeam, a sunbeam I’ll be a sunbeam for him. Hands up if you sang, forced or not, that stupid, frightening song as a child. My mother, of blessed memory, sent us to Sunday School every Sunday. A devout Episcopalian…

Maybe I saw you at NeconomiCon — Would I know a meal kit if I saw one? Who are they for? What are they for? My personal history offers no clues. I had kits between the ages of like 8 and 11. …

Is this the end? — Most people I know don’t eat what falls on the floor. For me, if I pick it up and it doesn’t have all fuzz clinging to it, it’s fine. Although many people find this practice repulsive and wrinkle up their noses when they see me thus engaged, mom taught me…

But I don’t know how to double-clutch — What could be cooler than owning a dump truck? When I think of the many things I could do if I owned a dump truck, I salivate with more salivation than my dog. So many life things would improve overnight if I owned a dump truck! And what dump truck…

Subverting happiness ten thousand hours at a time — Let’s face it, you wasted no time highlighting “Let’s face it” and writing a snotty response reminding me of the time you wrote let’s face it in your MuddyUm submission and I left a PN saying something like Stock phrase. Consider revising or deleting, you lazy piece of shit. Before…